I’m 5’ 3” tall, currently weigh around 138 lbs and wear between a size 8 and 10, depending on the brand. I’m not skinny and I’m not overweight. I do believe I could stand to lose a few pounds though. Not because I think I look fat or unattractive, but because it would be healthier. And I would love to be able to fit into all of my jeans. I currently only fit into two of my six pairs of jeans. I don’t fit into any of the nice clothes own. I would like to fit into my clothes.
When I’m a little fluffier I prefer to wear my husband’s shirts because they fit more loosely. My shirts fit tighter than I would like. I don’t think I look bad, I’m just not comfortable wearing tight shirts.
When I tell other females this they often get a disgusted look and tell me I look fine. That’s not my point. Not once did I say I was unhappy with the way I look. I simply want to fit into the hundreds and hundreds of dollars worth of clothes I own. Then I get the eye roll and often say, just buy new clothes.
I don’t want to buy new clothes. I like the clothes I have. I don’t want to spend extra money to allow myself to carry around unnecessary weight I would be better off without. The last time I bought bigger clothes each time my clothes didn’t fit I got up to a size 16 and couldn’t see my cheekbones anymore, or my belt because my gut covered it. I don’t want to go there again.
Why can’t some women just accept the fact that I can be happy with my body even though I want to lose weight? Why do they try to make me feel bad for wanting to wear the clothes I own. Why do they dismiss my feelings just because they think I look fine? I’ve been told by friends I need to not talk about my weight and waistline to women who are bigger than me. Why? I’m not trying to make anybody feel bad or hint at anything regarding their weight. I’m only talking about my weight, my body and my feelings.
A few months ago the mirror in our bathroom fell off the wall and broke. We bought a new one that was a little bit smaller than the old one. My husband, who is 6’3” tall, hung the mirror. I can see my eyes and nose when standing flat footed. He meant to lower it but has yet to. So far it hasn’t bothered me much.
Then I cut all my hair off. I decided to be girly and blow dry it using a big round brush to make it look all nice and stuff. This is hard to do when you can’t see most of your hair because your mirror is too high. Because of this I have been standing on my tippy toes while blow drying my hair. Sometimes I have to take a break because my calves are so tired. If I keep this up I’ll have some rockstar calves. Or my husband could finally lower the mirror.
I cut off all my hair! Well, not all of it, but quite a bit. I’m donating it to Pantene.
I have spent months planning and preparing for my AT thru hike. I have been counting down the days. Now that I have less than two weeks before I hit the trail I suddenly find myself torn between because ridiculously excited and super sad.
I am excited to start hiking. The fact that I will be carrying myself hundreds of miles, thousands of miles actually (2,200), is very exciting. I will be living with just what I need to survive. And the whole time I’ll be surrounded by nature.
I am super sad though because leaving for the AT also means leaving my husband. Well, to be fair, we’re leaving each other because he is going underway and I’m going hiking. Suddenly I feel like we haven’t had enough one on one time together. I feel like we haven’t done enough to absorb ourselves in each other before parting for six months. I want more time with him!
These feelings keep going back and forth like a ping pong ball. I’m going to miss my husband so much, all while having one of the greatest experiences of my life. It seems so bittersweet.
Although I only made it through one week of the cleanse, I still felt fabulous afterwards. I had more energy, my guts felt better (they usually feel like there’s a road block) and I even lost a few pounds! Then the holidays hit and we went to Texas. All the weight I lost is now back. The good news is at least my cleanse weight loss gave me some room to add holiday fluff. I’m not worrying about my weight right now at all though because in four weeks I start my three week stint of AT hiking. I’m sure I’ll lose all my holiday fluff and then some during those three weeks of hiking.
Yesterday I started a cleanse I found in “If Buddha Came to Dinner” by Hale Sofia Schatz. The first week is only fruits and veggies (and there’s a list of which ones). The second week you add nuts, grains and seeds (another list). The last week you add protein (and another list). I’m modifying the length of the cleanse because I want to eat whatever I want on my one year anniversary. I’m doing fruits and veggies for a week and then adding protein the second week, skipping the grains, nuts and seeds.
Yesterday was rough. I forgot how quickly fruits and veggies make it through your system, and I was hungry most of the day. I bought extra groceries to keep myself from starving these next couple of days. Then today I stuffed myself full of zucchini at lunch because I was scared of getting hungry an hour later. Only I can eat to the point of uncomfortable with a plate of zucchini.
Part of the cleanse is to also try to eat mindfully. I am not good at that. I keep eating with distractions. At least I’m chewing my food completely though, even if I do chew it fast sometimes. I do truly appreciate vegetables right now though. Eating them by themselves somehow makes them taste so much better.
So far the only side effect is a mild headache. Nothing I can’t handle though. I’m excited to see how I feel after these two weeks!
Yesterday I bought a new journal. I have had the urge to put pen to paper instead of fingertips to keyboard. I originally started this blog to motivate myself to write so I would have a record of my life and thoughts, just like when I journal.
I’ve noticed that when I blog I do a lot of editing. Often times I find myself deleting whole paragraphs and starting over, or rearranging the order of sentences, or changing the subject of my post completely. When I write in my journal I can’t do that and the record of my life and thoughts is purer and true.
Because of this I’m planning on writing more and typing less during this transformational period of my life. I bought a new journal because this is a new phase of my life and I feel the need to write into new journal. It’s like literally starting a new chapter of my life.
When I first started transforming my life I didn’t know what was happening at the time. I wasn’t aware that a transformation had begun until I had time to look back. Then I could see the change. I finally saw the change I have wanted for so many years. When I realized what was happening I didn’t care about the end product because I was so excited (and still am) about changing my life for the better. I never stopped and asked myself, “What will I look like at the end of all this?”
At first the change just happened. I started going to yoga and it felt like magical things happened. I didn’t want to lose this so I started to learn more about yoga and spirituality and how to finally go about living the life I wanted to live. Then I started to wonder, “What will I look like at the end of all this?” I felt like I needed a goal to work towards, an actual end point, like I am doing all of this to get “here.”
The more I learn the more I realize there is no set end goal. The goal is to work hard to become more spiritual, more in tune with myself, to be a better human for others to interact with and to give more of myself. There is no end point. I will be constantly changing until the day I die, so I can never guess what I will look like in the end. I find this very freeing.
I no longer have a yard stick to measure myself by. I can’t compare myself or my journey to somebody else or their journey. I have more patience now when it comes to change. I have my whole life to continue changing. I know the process can, and sometimes will be a slow one, and for once I’m truly okay with that. I know I will make mistakes and falter, but now I just acknowledge my hiccups, I don’t beat myself up over them and I strive to do better.
I am trying to trust and have faith in myself. I am also trying to trust and have faith in the unknown that comes along with change. I don’t have to know exactly where I’m going or where I’ll end up to take the next step.